Well it's certainly been a while. Sad how things really don't change. I may be at university now, just finished my first year to be more precise, living in England and 2 years down the line from my last blog posts yet I still feel exactly the same. Alone, friendless, lost.
It's hard to admit that, I think I've been in denial for quite a long time now. For most people university is the best time of their life, a fresh start, something they'll cherish for the rest of their lives and look back on with find memories. For me it's been disappointing. Granted I've met some nice people, but I doubt I'm going to be seeing any of them this summer. They've all got their own friends, better friends. Why would anyone want to hang out with sad little old me who's too chubby and doesn't particularly like to drink.
Even my own family think I'm lame. I'm the 20 year old whose going to be hanging out with her mum for the whole summer instead of swanning off to Ibiza with my friends and getting wasted. I'd rather be watching tv or doing a fucking jigsaw. That's not normal.
I'm going to Melbourne in September to go and see those two friends I've mentioned before but reading back they haven't changed either. For one I'm just an agony aunt the other , to be honest I don't even know anymore. He was my best friend but I've been replaced by his boyfriend. Now I don't even know what I am. I was so excited when I booked my ticket, now when I think about it I'm nervous. That's not right either.
Everyone around me seems to be in a relationship except for my mum who still hasn't got over my dad. It's just hard. I feel like I'm going nowhere. In uni I'm still the chubby nerdy girl who sucks up it teachers. The only vague romantic activity that's happened in 2 years was a kiss from a guy out of his mind in a nightclub. Yay.
Reading back on blogposts it scares me how is really have gone nowhere. Is this how I'm destined to be. Well fuck.
Friday 25 July 2014
Tuesday 14 August 2012
Bad guy
It's happened again, she's lied, mums worried, I get yelled at, told I'm hated and now she's being comforted and I'm sat down here feeling like I'm the worst person in the world.
I don't know what to do, I thought I was doing the right thing but clearly not.
Fuck this. I'm mad, upset, worried and my results come out in two days. Oh my god I'm not ready to grow up. I can't do this anymore.
I don't know what to do, I thought I was doing the right thing but clearly not.
Fuck this. I'm mad, upset, worried and my results come out in two days. Oh my god I'm not ready to grow up. I can't do this anymore.
Sunday 22 July 2012
Weight Gain
I just went and stood on the scales. Bad move. I'm 75kg, 12 stone, 165lbs. For my height that is ridiculous over weight.
I know I comfort eat, I know I'm pretty heavy but jesus. That's almost 10kg heavier than last year.
Diet officially starts today. Only water to drink. Limit chocolate/sugar intake. Increase exercise.
I don't want to be this way anymore.
I know I comfort eat, I know I'm pretty heavy but jesus. That's almost 10kg heavier than last year.
Diet officially starts today. Only water to drink. Limit chocolate/sugar intake. Increase exercise.
I don't want to be this way anymore.
Friday 20 July 2012
Loneliness
I don't remember the last time I felt this alone. I mean properly alone, there have been times when I've been in relationships and still felt lonely but right now I'm lying in bed realising no one actually gives a crap.
I just watched LOL and I could feel myself making similarities to what happened on Monday.
Being so close to having someone has made being alone even harder. I've never wanted a cuddle more than this yet I have no one.
I'm so jealous of anyone in a relationship right now, knowing that someone out there loves them. It's a special something that no one can take away. Well no one except the other person. I've had that happen all to often.
I don't know how to stop feeling so miserable, I just want to be loved by someone.
I just watched LOL and I could feel myself making similarities to what happened on Monday.
Being so close to having someone has made being alone even harder. I've never wanted a cuddle more than this yet I have no one.
I'm so jealous of anyone in a relationship right now, knowing that someone out there loves them. It's a special something that no one can take away. Well no one except the other person. I've had that happen all to often.
I don't know how to stop feeling so miserable, I just want to be loved by someone.
Wednesday 18 July 2012
Stupidly High Expectations
I don't know why I repeatedly do this to myself. I really am looking for a guy that doesn't exist. I just didn't think it was too hard to find someone who actually wanted to spend time with me, someone who didn't spend the whole time on the internet, someone who took advantage of the fact they got to spend time with me.
I've just got back from a mini holiday with the ex boyfriend turned friend and it didn't turn out like I wanted. Not at all.
To be honest, I don't really know what I wanted the outcome to be. I went into the whole thing not wanting anything, but have come out of it feeling equally disappointed. It started out great, almost like old times, a cuddle while watching TV, really chill, almost perfect. Then yesterday it all sort of flopped. He spent the evening in the other bed on his iPad talking to other people. It was like I wasn't even there, and then he drove me back to the station in basically complete silence. Clearly I did something to piss him off. Maybe it was asking about his girlfriend, maybe he just realised I wasn't the amazing person he thought I was.
Last night all I really wanted was him to crawl into bed with me, a hug and to fall asleep in his arms, maybe even more. At this point I really don't know anymore.
I can't help but be catapulted back to all the times I used to spend with him, more often than not I would end up doing something while he'd spend hours looking up guns on his computer or watching TV by himself. Did I really expect him to be different? Maybe I'd just forgotten how disappointed and unimportant it made me feel.
Is it really too much to ask to be put ahead of electronic what nots. I thought he'd wanted to spend time with me, clearly not.
Either way I've come home feeling let down, lonely and utterly disappointed. Not what I wanted at all. It's sad realising that I really don't have that many friends my age, seeing all these pictures on facebook of graduation trips and people enjoying their one proper summer of freedom makes me realise how lame mine actually is.
Fuck.
I've just got back from a mini holiday with the ex boyfriend turned friend and it didn't turn out like I wanted. Not at all.
To be honest, I don't really know what I wanted the outcome to be. I went into the whole thing not wanting anything, but have come out of it feeling equally disappointed. It started out great, almost like old times, a cuddle while watching TV, really chill, almost perfect. Then yesterday it all sort of flopped. He spent the evening in the other bed on his iPad talking to other people. It was like I wasn't even there, and then he drove me back to the station in basically complete silence. Clearly I did something to piss him off. Maybe it was asking about his girlfriend, maybe he just realised I wasn't the amazing person he thought I was.
Last night all I really wanted was him to crawl into bed with me, a hug and to fall asleep in his arms, maybe even more. At this point I really don't know anymore.
I can't help but be catapulted back to all the times I used to spend with him, more often than not I would end up doing something while he'd spend hours looking up guns on his computer or watching TV by himself. Did I really expect him to be different? Maybe I'd just forgotten how disappointed and unimportant it made me feel.
Is it really too much to ask to be put ahead of electronic what nots. I thought he'd wanted to spend time with me, clearly not.
Either way I've come home feeling let down, lonely and utterly disappointed. Not what I wanted at all. It's sad realising that I really don't have that many friends my age, seeing all these pictures on facebook of graduation trips and people enjoying their one proper summer of freedom makes me realise how lame mine actually is.
Fuck.
Friday 13 April 2012
Best Friendless
It's hard having a best friend that lives on the other side of the world. Though to be honest I'm not sure that best friend is what I can really use to describe the relationship we have. I'm pretty sure I miss him a lot more than he misses me and to be honest a part of me always knew that was going to happen. He was going off to America, a new life, a new start and I was going to be left behind. It's weird how many things will just occasionally remind me of him.
I remember the first day we met, my first day at BST. We took the same bus home to Shibuya Station and he asked for my phone number. I was so excited to already be making friends. I remember being so nervous that he wouldn't like me, trying to make myself interesting so that he'd want to be my friend. In any other school I doubt we would've interacted but he really was like my other half. We'd wait for each other in the morning to get the bus together, we'd hang out at break and lunch times, we'd wait for each other after school. There wasn't much time we'd spend apart in the 2 years we were at school together.
I remember in my second year, he used to have his drum lessons after school on a Friday and I used to wait for him, despite my mums protests. I'd busy myself by cleaning out his locker or wasting time on the internet. We didn't seem to hang out that much outside of school but when we did it was never to go and do something, we'd just sit and talk for hours on end. That was how well we got on. He was one of the few people where it was comfortable just to be with him, in silence. No awkward pauses where we'd have to be thinking of something to say. When we weren't together we'd be texting 24/7 half the time probably a load of crap but from when we woke up to when we went to bed we'd be texting each other.
When I found out he was leaving, I felt like I was losing a part of me and to be honest I think I probably did. School felt so lonely, it wasn't that I didn't have friends, but no one could replace him. At first we kept in touch a lot, time difference made it really awkward and over the years he's been away communication has got less and less. It's weird to think that I'm never really going to be able to spend time with him again properly, he's going to Australia for uni, I'm heading off to England, things just aren't going to practical.
My best friend is one of the kindest, funniest, most loveable person I have ever met, he's like a brother to me and I miss him everyday. We skype once every couple of months and when I do see him, we get on like a house on fire, I just wish it could go back to the way it was. I wish things were different. I wish he was here.
I remember the first day we met, my first day at BST. We took the same bus home to Shibuya Station and he asked for my phone number. I was so excited to already be making friends. I remember being so nervous that he wouldn't like me, trying to make myself interesting so that he'd want to be my friend. In any other school I doubt we would've interacted but he really was like my other half. We'd wait for each other in the morning to get the bus together, we'd hang out at break and lunch times, we'd wait for each other after school. There wasn't much time we'd spend apart in the 2 years we were at school together.
I remember in my second year, he used to have his drum lessons after school on a Friday and I used to wait for him, despite my mums protests. I'd busy myself by cleaning out his locker or wasting time on the internet. We didn't seem to hang out that much outside of school but when we did it was never to go and do something, we'd just sit and talk for hours on end. That was how well we got on. He was one of the few people where it was comfortable just to be with him, in silence. No awkward pauses where we'd have to be thinking of something to say. When we weren't together we'd be texting 24/7 half the time probably a load of crap but from when we woke up to when we went to bed we'd be texting each other.
When I found out he was leaving, I felt like I was losing a part of me and to be honest I think I probably did. School felt so lonely, it wasn't that I didn't have friends, but no one could replace him. At first we kept in touch a lot, time difference made it really awkward and over the years he's been away communication has got less and less. It's weird to think that I'm never really going to be able to spend time with him again properly, he's going to Australia for uni, I'm heading off to England, things just aren't going to practical.
My best friend is one of the kindest, funniest, most loveable person I have ever met, he's like a brother to me and I miss him everyday. We skype once every couple of months and when I do see him, we get on like a house on fire, I just wish it could go back to the way it was. I wish things were different. I wish he was here.
Saturday 31 March 2012
Will I ever be good enough?
I'm in one of those moods right now, fed up of everything and everyone. A real low point.
I hate the way I look, my body is horrible right now and it's all my own fault. These past couple of months I've been feeding myself so much crap. Maybe a subconcious way of getting over the breakup, to be honest I still can't believe that happened the way it did. I just feel that no one gives a crap anymore. Does my love and friendship mean nothing? I feel that I give so much, so so much and all I get back in return is pain and suffering. Is someone trying to tell me something, will I never be good enough for someone else? How does everyone else get to find a guy that they're happy with, while I get stuck with bastards who live on the other side of the world. How is this fair? I try so hard to be a good friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend but I just get crap in return. I'm lied to and made to feel like shit. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Am I just expecting too much?
I hate the way I look, my body is horrible right now and it's all my own fault. These past couple of months I've been feeding myself so much crap. Maybe a subconcious way of getting over the breakup, to be honest I still can't believe that happened the way it did. I just feel that no one gives a crap anymore. Does my love and friendship mean nothing? I feel that I give so much, so so much and all I get back in return is pain and suffering. Is someone trying to tell me something, will I never be good enough for someone else? How does everyone else get to find a guy that they're happy with, while I get stuck with bastards who live on the other side of the world. How is this fair? I try so hard to be a good friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend but I just get crap in return. I'm lied to and made to feel like shit. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Am I just expecting too much?
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