Stupidly High Expectations

I don't know why I repeatedly do this to myself. I really am looking for a guy that doesn't exist. I just didn't think it was too hard to find someone who actually wanted to spend time with me, someone who didn't spend the whole time on the internet, someone who took advantage of the fact they got to spend time with me.

I've just got back from a mini holiday with the ex boyfriend turned friend and it didn't turn out like I wanted. Not at all.

To be honest, I don't really know what I wanted the outcome to be. I went into the whole thing not wanting anything, but have come out of it feeling equally disappointed. It started out great, almost like old times, a cuddle while watching TV, really chill, almost perfect. Then yesterday it all sort of flopped. He spent the evening in the other bed on his iPad talking to other people. It was like I wasn't even there, and then he drove me back to the station in basically complete silence. Clearly I did something to piss him off. Maybe it was asking about his girlfriend, maybe he just realised I wasn't the amazing person he thought I was.

Last night all I really wanted was him to crawl into bed with me, a hug and to fall asleep in his arms, maybe even more. At this point I really don't know anymore.

I can't help but be catapulted back to all the times I used to spend with him, more often than not I would end up doing something while he'd spend hours looking up guns on his computer or watching TV by himself. Did I really expect him to be different? Maybe I'd just forgotten how disappointed and unimportant it made me feel.

Is it really too much to ask to be put ahead of electronic what nots. I thought he'd wanted to spend time with me, clearly not.

Either way I've come home feeling let down, lonely and utterly disappointed. Not what I wanted at all. It's sad realising that I really don't have that many friends my age, seeing all these pictures on facebook of graduation trips and people enjoying their one proper summer of freedom makes me realise how lame mine actually is.

Fuck.