Being in Love

People say that as a teenager you are too young to fall in love. This I disagree with, partly because I am a teenager and partly just due to the fact that love is ambiguous. You cannot describe love to someone, everyone has different meanings to the word and I believe people feel and show it in different ways.

Although I'm only 17, I believe I can say I've been in love twice. The first time was for the most part amazing, apart from the whole long distance thing, we had been great friends beforehand, the transition felt natural, we got on like a house on fire and it really did feel like we were meant for each other, that was until he broke up with me. He was also my first proper real boyfriend and so far has been the best one. Like I've said before, I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it, it's a natural thing to do.

I'm now in my second long term relationship, getting close to 7 months, granted we've only properly been together about a month, the rest has been long distance...again. Fucking earthquake.

Yet this one doesn't seem so perfect. Maybe my expectations are just raised too high but I see other couples and realise that they're not. I should feel wanted, like I'm the only girl he wants, like he enjoys talking to me. For the most part I don't feel this at all, like I've said before, I feel like I'm a chore to him that he doesn't really want me. Then there are those odd moments where he says something and it magically turns it all around, he says something really adorable which make me feel that he does really care. Then he goes and throws it all back in my face.

What do I do?

Defriended

I'm sat here on a Sunday night listening to my sister video chat with someone in her room. It's quite sad realizing that I have no one to do that with anymore. I always used to be talking to someone and now the only time anyone wants to talk to me is to ask something or seek advice. No one ever seems to want to talk to me just because they miss me, or because they wonder how I am. Even my online friends seem to have slowly shriveled up and died.

I have a feeling this may be something to do with why I'm so depressed, I operate as a people person, I need to talk to people on a regular basis in order to function properly and since summer I've had little to no communication with the people I care about. The only person I've talked to on Skype in the past couple of months is my ex bf. This is what my life has now become.

My other ex emailed me on Wednesday which was so lovely and I replied but haven't heard anything yet, 5 days, he clearly doesn't want to know anymore. I just see all these people, moving on with their lives, forgetting me and don't know how to cope. I can't be forgotten, I need to be wanted, I need to be loved and at the moment I don't feel any of this.

Maybe I should start making new friends, talking to new people but then that just seems so much effort. Clearly I'm just too lazy to take control of my life. I can't get a grip anymore. I'm on a self destructive path to nowhere all on my own.

Disappointment.

Auditions for the school musical were today. I auditioned with my sister which was probably a mistake. I went first and clearly was pretty rubbish as they made me sing it 3 times. I know I was probably pitchy and I'm going to use the excuse that it's a hard song to sing and I didn't properly learn it but at the end of the day, that is my fault.

To top it all off, my sister sang once and it was perfect.

I feel like I've let myself down, I'm so disappointed in myself and slightly jealous of my sister. I wish I was really good at something but I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'm not. I'm not amazingly intelligent, I'm not amazing at sport and clearly I'm not that good at music either. I'm fed up of being mediocre at everything. Being really good at one thing would make life so much easier. It would help me decide what I want to do. It would give me a focus.

I don't know, this audition malarkey has really got me feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I'm a loser, I feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.

I just really need someone to talk to but once again there's no one. Everything always seems to boil down to how alone in this world I really am.