Downhill

I currently have all manner of thoughts running through my head and writing them down is highly unlikely to get rid of them. Though it may bring some order, which is what I need right now.

I swear I'm having a 'teen crisis' at the moment. Everything just seems to be falling apart. I had a big argument with my boyfriend on friday in which he said and I quote 'if you are not happy it's not my fault' I think that's one of the harshest things a bf can say. Especially as in this case it was him causing the problem yes maybe I am being oversensitive and yes maybe my expectations are high but for him to say something like that. That hurt. It also lead to a full blown breakdown Friday night, I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Worst part is I feel like I could cry like that right now.

I guess it all began going really wrong last Saturday. We lost our volleyball tournament, no scratch that, we didn't even qualify and I was so upset. I don't know why. I've never felt so emotionally connected to a sport before. I mean we lost last year too and it didn't bother me in the slightest but this year I was on the verge of crying. Then I noticed cuts on my sister's arms, at first I didn't want to believe it but yes my sister's been self harming. Bloody hell, just something else going wrong. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think. My whole brain sort of went to mush. I felt like I'd failed as a sister, I don't think anyone really understands how much it scared the crap out of me, I was so worried. Part of me wonders if it's her boyfriend's(who I'm still pissed at) fault as he does have a dodgy past.

So that all went down, plus just school work piling and piling up and then this thing with my boyfriend. I don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday I realised how bad it was when I couldn't stand to be around anyone, I felt repulsed by my friends. I found myself wishing I was at home in bed rather than hanging out with them. Maybe I'm just over tired. I don't remember the last time I got a decent nights sleep.

Then today my ex talked to me. Now this is an ex I haven't told you about before. He's by far the hottest guy I've ever dated and he's also they only guy I've been out with that fits my "type". Tan, dark hair, good looking, muscular. We only dated for a couple of weeks and it was almost 3 years ago now. He was my first proper kiss, my first proper heartbreak as well. I know I was heartbroken after only a few weeks....pathetic. He has this weird affect on my though and I don't know how to deal with it.

All in all it's been a shit week, I've eaten a bunch of crap, failed my stats test and just generally felt like shit. It can only get better I hope.