Bad guy

It's happened again, she's lied, mums worried, I get yelled at, told I'm hated and now she's being comforted and I'm sat down here feeling like I'm the worst person in the world.

I don't know what to do, I thought I was doing the right thing but clearly not.

Fuck this. I'm mad, upset, worried and my results come out in two days. Oh my god I'm not ready to grow up. I can't do this anymore.

Weight Gain

I just went and stood on the scales. Bad move. I'm 75kg, 12 stone, 165lbs. For my height that is ridiculous over weight.

I know I comfort eat, I know I'm pretty heavy but jesus. That's almost 10kg heavier than last year.

Diet officially starts today. Only water to drink. Limit chocolate/sugar intake. Increase exercise.

I don't want to be this way anymore.

Loneliness

I don't remember the last time I felt this alone. I mean properly alone, there have been times when I've been in relationships and still felt lonely but right now I'm lying in bed realising no one actually gives a crap.

I just watched LOL and I could feel myself making similarities to what happened on Monday.

Being so close to having someone has made being alone even harder. I've never wanted a cuddle more than this yet I have no one.

I'm so jealous of anyone in a relationship right now, knowing that someone out there loves them. It's a special something that no one can take away. Well no one except the other person. I've had that happen all to often.

I don't know how to stop feeling so miserable, I just want to be loved by someone.

Stupidly High Expectations

I don't know why I repeatedly do this to myself. I really am looking for a guy that doesn't exist. I just didn't think it was too hard to find someone who actually wanted to spend time with me, someone who didn't spend the whole time on the internet, someone who took advantage of the fact they got to spend time with me.

I've just got back from a mini holiday with the ex boyfriend turned friend and it didn't turn out like I wanted. Not at all.

To be honest, I don't really know what I wanted the outcome to be. I went into the whole thing not wanting anything, but have come out of it feeling equally disappointed. It started out great, almost like old times, a cuddle while watching TV, really chill, almost perfect. Then yesterday it all sort of flopped. He spent the evening in the other bed on his iPad talking to other people. It was like I wasn't even there, and then he drove me back to the station in basically complete silence. Clearly I did something to piss him off. Maybe it was asking about his girlfriend, maybe he just realised I wasn't the amazing person he thought I was.

Last night all I really wanted was him to crawl into bed with me, a hug and to fall asleep in his arms, maybe even more. At this point I really don't know anymore.

I can't help but be catapulted back to all the times I used to spend with him, more often than not I would end up doing something while he'd spend hours looking up guns on his computer or watching TV by himself. Did I really expect him to be different? Maybe I'd just forgotten how disappointed and unimportant it made me feel.

Is it really too much to ask to be put ahead of electronic what nots. I thought he'd wanted to spend time with me, clearly not.

Either way I've come home feeling let down, lonely and utterly disappointed. Not what I wanted at all. It's sad realising that I really don't have that many friends my age, seeing all these pictures on facebook of graduation trips and people enjoying their one proper summer of freedom makes me realise how lame mine actually is.

Fuck.

Best Friendless

It's hard having a best friend that lives on the other side of the world. Though to be honest I'm not sure that best friend is what I can really use to describe the relationship we have. I'm pretty sure I miss him a lot more than he misses me and to be honest a part of me always knew that was going to happen. He was going off to America, a new life, a new start and I was going to be left behind. It's weird how many things will just occasionally remind me of him.

I remember the first day we met, my first day at BST. We took the same bus home to Shibuya Station and he asked for my phone number. I was so excited to already be making friends. I remember being so nervous that he wouldn't like me, trying to make myself interesting so that he'd want to be my friend. In any other school I doubt we would've interacted but he really was like my other half. We'd wait for each other in the morning to get the bus together, we'd hang out at break and lunch times, we'd wait for each other after school. There wasn't much time we'd spend apart in the 2 years we were at school together.

I remember in my second year, he used to have his drum lessons after school on a Friday and I used to wait for him, despite my mums protests. I'd busy myself by cleaning out his locker or wasting time on the internet. We didn't seem to hang out that much outside of school but when we did it was never to go and do something, we'd just sit and talk for hours on end. That was how well we got on. He was one of the few people where it was comfortable just to be with him, in silence. No awkward pauses where we'd have to be thinking of something to say. When we weren't together we'd be texting 24/7 half the time probably a load of crap but from when we woke up to when we went to bed we'd be texting each other.

When I found out he was leaving, I felt like I was losing a part of me and to be honest I think I probably did. School felt so lonely, it wasn't that I didn't have friends, but no one could replace him. At first we kept in touch a lot, time difference made it really awkward and over the years he's been away communication has got less and less. It's weird to think that I'm never really going to be able to spend time with him again properly, he's going to Australia for uni, I'm heading off to England, things just aren't going to practical.

My best friend is one of the kindest, funniest, most loveable person I have ever met, he's like a brother to me and I miss him everyday. We skype once every couple of months and when I do see him, we get on like a house on fire, I just wish it could go back to the way it was. I wish things were different. I wish he was here.

Will I ever be good enough?

I'm in one of those moods right now, fed up of everything and everyone. A real low point.
I hate the way I look, my body is horrible right now and it's all my own fault. These past couple of months I've been feeding myself so much crap. Maybe a subconcious way of getting over the breakup, to be honest I still can't believe that happened the way it did. I just feel that no one gives a crap anymore. Does my love and friendship mean nothing? I feel that I give so much, so so much and all I get back in return is pain and suffering. Is someone trying to tell me something, will I never be good enough for someone else? How does everyone else get to find a guy that they're happy with, while I get stuck with bastards who live on the other side of the world. How is this fair? I try so hard to be a good friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend but I just get crap in return. I'm lied to and made to feel like shit. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Am I just expecting too much?

Dumped

Well the inevitable happened. I got dumped. Again.

I must say this was a new way, he just blocked me and my friends on facebook. No reason why, no explanation, no warning. I just woke up one morning and he had blocked me. This might not sound so bad if it wasn't pretty much my only means of communication with him and that we'd had a perfectly normal conversation only 2 days before.

To be honest I think I'm still in denial. Although it happened 3 weeks ago I still don't know what to think. I've been to busy to actually spend time thinking about it. I had a school ski trip, then a week in China. I think over the last few days it's actually hit me, I've been a funk all week and I don't know why. I still occasionaly check his facebook but to be honest don't see the point. He obviously doesn't give a crap about me, or my feelings.

I feel like I've wasted 11 months of my life, that's probably the hardest part. I put so much effort into making that relationship work, another long distance one, another year of crying myself to sleep because I missed him, or getting mad at myself for not talking to him everyday. I'm just so fed up of being lied to and made to feel like I'm not worth the time or the effort for a decent goodbye.

Every guy I've been out with has said to me "I promise I won't ever dump you" and to each one, except maybe the first I've always said "Don't make promises you don't know if you'll be able to keep" the synic inside of me knew it wasn't true, yet the romantic in me, that small tiny part hoped it would be. I just want to feel like I really mean something to someone, like they all have to me. I don't know how much more rejection I can take. For someone who's not yet 18 to have their heart broken this many times cannot be healthy. This combined with all the crap that's going on at home and at school I'm still surprised I haven't lost the plot yet.

To make things worse, he's gone and unblocked me, just me. What does that mean? Do I get in touch? I still have all of his crap to give back? I just don't know what to do anymore.

Letting go of what we used to be.

I remember when we used to talk every single day. I remember the times when I wouldn't have been on facebook for more than 5 minutes when you used to ask me how my day was. Now it's like trying to get blood out of a stone every time I start a conversation.

I feel so unimportant in your life right now, I know that you'd much rather talk to other girls than me. I no longer seem to be your priority. How does that even work.

These are the times when I used to think I should just break up with, not bother putting the effort in anymore but the fact that it hurts this much to go everyday waiting for some form of communication, desperately clinging onto the hope that you do care just shows how much you do mean to me.

Its so hard being surrounded by all these couples who seem inseperable when there's us, two people almost dating a year and we haven't had a decent conversation in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried, but I don't know how much longer I can put myself through this everyday.

It just doesn't seem fair. I can be such a good girlfriend but at the moment my efforts don't seem appreciated and it's got to the point where I don't know if I should even be bothering. Why put all the work into this relationship if he's not willing to the same thing. I feel that I deserve a non shitty relationship yet nope.

I'm slowly but surely losing you and I don't know how to deal with it. To be honest I think I'm slowly losing the will to live. There doesn't seem to be a point to anything anymore.