Replaced by a dog

Well it's happened. We've finally got a dog, a puppy to be precise. I'm on two mindsets with this. Of course it's very cute and very sweet and the puppy itself is adorable, however I realise this is not my dog. This is a dog for my sister and for my mum which means contact time I will get with it is minimal. It gets to sleep in my sisters room, she looks after him, what am I meant to do. Nothing. I guess I'm jealous. I want the dog to love me, I want an animal to love me. Honestly I wish the cat would be so inclined, but she's not. I want something that wants to sit on my lap and be cuddled, something to be there when I'm sad. Nope not going to happen.

I'm just clearly a very fucked up person.

Girl-friend

That's one thing I've longed for for a long time. A proper girl friend. Don't get my wrong I've got a couple of girls who I'm really close to and that I tell a lot to, but there's no one I feel like I could tell everything to. I had a guy who I thought I could but he seems to have washed his hands of me since he's been back.

It's just sad, realizing I don't feel comfortable telling anyone certain stuff. Like the fact no one except my bf knows what happened with us in Paris. Isn't that sad. Normally people have someone they would call straight away and tell, yet I haven't told a soul, not even my mum. She swears I can still talk to her about stuff, but I just don't feel I can. I feel so isolated from everyone and it's now I'm realizing how import it is to have someone just to talk to. Someone who'll be there no matter what, who won't judge or give their opinion. Just someone to listen, someone I can tell whatever's on my mind, spill my heart out but I don't. I'm by myself and that's a horrible situation to be in.

The perfect life?

I feel so lost right now, I don't even really know what I want to talk about. I just know that I have to write this stuff down somewhere, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. Once again I've found myself with no one to turn to. To be honest I don't think anyone really realises how bad I feel most of the time. I feel alone, upset, angry and worst of all powerless to do anything to change any of it. I'm just an emotional wreck right now.

I think part of the problem is, I've got nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. There's not one thing that I can think of and count down the number of days till it happens. I've always had something for the past 3 years. Whether it be my ex coming back, visiting my friend in America or seeing my boyfriend, I've always had something and now nothing. There's no fixed plans to do anything, not to see anyone, not to go anywhere. I feel like there's no purpose, it's just a chore to get through each day. Of course I still have good times, I'm not saying my life's crap all of the time, just most of it. There are some days, like today where I physically don't want to do anything, I comfort eat and watch endless amounts of shit TV. I don't do my homework, I don't check off things on my to do list, I just waste time.

Today I woke up with one thing to do, finish all my homework, especially chemistry. Yet here I am, 10pm and I didn't even vaguely attempt it.

I don't know, I just don't seem bothered to do anything anymore. I see all these people, on facebook, on youtube, everywhere who seem to be enjoying life. I used to be one of those people, I used to be upbeat and happy. Now not so much, I'm just jealous of everyone else, you see these people who seem to have the perfect family, perfect body, perfect boyfriend and part of me wonders why I can't have that. I mean it's not like I'm not a good person, I help my friends, I do my part, I try hard in school, I look after my family, so why does it all seem to be falling apart at the seams. It's just not fair and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it anymore.

I wish I lived on my own

I have wished this so frequently in the last couple of months that I'm starting to feel that the only way I can be happy is if I'm on my own, or at least away from my family. Don't get me wrong I love them, of course I do just they get so frustrating.

When I want to be left alone, I want just that, to be on my own. Granted this is the most lonerish thing in the world but some days I don't want to have to explain myself or deal with other peoples problems I just want to go about doing my own thing.

This sounds weird coming from a self proclaimed people person but dealing and interacting with people who aren't your family is a lot different then being with your family. I find holidays the most trying time, I just can't be with someone for that long and have them not get on my nerves. Maybe I truly am an antisocial git who doesn't deserve what I've got.

One reason I'm looking forward to uni so much is that I'll be away from my family and I know this is exactly the reason why my mum doesn't want me to.

I guess you don't realize what you've got until you don't have it and I know I will miss them once I live on my own but at the moment I can't think of anything better.

Wanted: 1 friend

Well it's finally happened, I officially feel like I have no one I can talk to.

The two people I thought I could always rely on, two people I've spent three days making presents for seem to not care for my existance.

Now I've talked about these two before, the one who lives in America, and the one who goes to a different school in Japan now. I thought we were really close, I mean one of them is meant to be my best friend for gods sake. The fact that he doesn't reply when I send him stuff, or takes forever to do so makes me feel not important. Infact we never seem to talk anymore and if we do it's because I take the effort to do so. He's always busy with his new friends. I just wish I still meant as much as I used to. It's hard watching people move on from you, watching people make new friends and having fun without you. I know this is incredibly selfish of me and I shouldn't deny people the opportunity to enjoy themselves. I know. I just can't help feeling jealous, here they both are having a good time while I'm stuck here feeling sorry for myself.

I just wish someone would want to talk to me, include me in their life. I just seem to be someone they go to when they need to moan about stuff and while I'm all up for being there for them when they need me. I just wish I wasn't just there for that, I wish I was someone they just enjoyed talking to, someone they wanted to talk to.

Even one of they guys I'm friends with from online seems to have lost interest and there was me thinking we were pretty close but like I said, he's got his own life, his friends. Why would he want me.

I think deep down inside I just have this yearning to be loved, I just want to be appreciated for who I am, I want someone who wants to be with me and at the moment I'm just struggling to come to terms with how lonely I am. The only person I've seen this whole summer from Japan is my friend who came to England with me. She's the only person I've seen since I've been back in Japan and I'm slowly coming to the realisation that the pool of friends I thought I had is slowly dwindling. This is a hard realisation to come to terms with.

Long Distance Relationships: Are they really worth it?

Being in a long distance relationship certainly has its ups and downs and you need to be in one with the right person. Someone who's as committed to the relationship as you are. I feel like I'm currently in one with someone who's not as committed. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing person, good looking, smart, amazing in bed and I love spending time with him. We've been going out for almost 6 months now and of that 6 months we've spent maybe 3 weeks in the same country as each other.

This is the second time I've been in a long distance relationship, the first one lasted almost 2 years and was with one of my then best friends. He was really good at being in a long distance relationship I'd get two lengthly emails everyday, we'd talk on the phone most weekends and I got to see him every couple of months, the longest time we spend apart perhaps being 3 months. Now I know a rule of relationships is not to compare boyfriends with each other, but in my current situation it's hard not to.

The guy I'm going out with at the moment, he just doesn't, I don't really know how to put it into words but I feel like I'm more of a have to with him rather than a want to. Does that make sense? Like he feels he has to talk to me, has to tell me he loves me, rather than actually wanting to. I feel like I'm a burden to him, this sad little girl who constantly wants to talk to him. When we have conversations it's always me asking the questions, asking how his day was, what he's up to. If I don't make an effort then the conversation dies. Yet at the same time he promises me I'm the only girlfriend he wants and that he loves me. This coming from a guy who's had 14 (yes 14) other girlfriends and he's not even 18 yet. Though saying that I am the girlfriend who he's been in a relationship with the longest. Does that mean something? Is he a player? When I don't talk to him for a day, I miss him so much but I wake up to nothing, no email, no wallpost yet I email him everyday, telling him how my day was and saying how much I love and miss him. Am I being too clingy? I just thought this was what relationships were meant to be like, this is what my other long distance one was like. Should I stop comparing?

I want to be with him, but should it really hurt this much. Should I be crying myself to sleep every night? Should I tell him how I feel?

I have though. I've told him all this before and he's said he'd change. Did I see a change? No. He's starting university in September, in France. Next year I go to university in England. Is this a doomed relationship? Should I quit while I'm not so emotionally attached, but the fact that I'm crying while typing this means I already am. I love him so much but at the same time he breaks my heart. I don't deserve this, I'm a good girlfriend. I've got so much love to give, I just wish I had someone who appreciated it.

Feeling Alone in the world.

Currently my parents are going through, well I don't quite know what to call it because it's not divorce but it's not far off. Basically we found out that my dad had been cheating on my mum in May, for how long we have no idea but to cut a long story short it was with his ex secretary and he refuses to stop seeing her. He no longer lives with us but comes over most nights to "visit" me and my sister. Meanwhile my mums on the edge of breaking down and I'm left to deal with it all, on my own. My sister hates to talk about it, so doesn't. I'm stuck listening to my mum, which can sometimes be a lot to handle to say the least. For instance just now she came in and started going on about having to share me and my sister with my dad later on in life and I just don't want to even start thinking about things like that. It's bad enough I no longer have a dad I can look up to but now I've got to start thinking about choosing between the two of them. How the heck can I do that? I just constantly feel on the verge of breaking down but I can't because I've got to be strong for my mum.

I'm left on my own with no one to talk to. It's a sad time in life when you realize you really don't have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriends in France and doesn't really understand anyway, my best friend seems more interested in filming his films in Texas and the only other person I feel comfortable talking to about it is in Boston for the summer and has his own life to deal with. What it boils down to is that I feel bad, loading all my troubles onto someone else. I make sure I'm always there for my friends whenever they need to talk about anything, I give out advice when I can and I genuinely see myself as some sort of teen agony aunt for my friends. The only problem with that is that when I'm the one who needs the advice, I've got no one to talk to. Just myself.

When I first found out my dad was cheating on my mum, I had to spend the whole day away from home. We found out on the Saturday afternoon and Sunday I left the house around 8 and didn't come home till 6. I spent the day in various places, took the train to Yokohama in the morning, spent the morning wondering around there crying. Then when I got bored of that, I took the train to Futako Tamagawa and sat by the river. The really sad thing is that I want to do more of this, I'm fed up with people. I just want to spend time on my own. Well what I really want is to spend time with one of the three people I mentioned above but seeing as all of them are currently overseas that's impossible.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Here I go

Well here I am, starting a blog. Again.

I don't expect many people to find this an interesting blog to read but I need somewhere to get away from everything. I have a youtube, a twitter, a tumblr, you name it I have it but I still don't have a way or a place where I can express myself completely. Every site I'm on, I'm connected with people I know, people I see a lot and lets be honest I don't want them to know a lot of the things that go on in my life or my honest opinion about them. I need somewhere I can get things off my chest, somewhere I can't be judged because of who I am.

So that's why I'm starting this blog, not that I need to justify myself as I doubt this will be read, I just need to know that I've got somewhere to rant, somewhere I can say what's on my mind and not worry about offending someone by saying the wrong thing. Somewhere I can't lose my friends by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to start blogging, I guess I was worried no one would read it, then I realized that I didn't care what people thought, I don't need to be accepted. Ok that's not true, I do care. That's part of my problem, I always feel like I'm judged, I feel the need to be accepted, I want to fit in. I'm sure most people do just no one really wants to admit it. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I was happy with who I was, didn't feel the need to compare myself to other people but I do and I've realized that I do it more and more.

So here I am, letting everything out on this website, it's strange how the internet serves it's purposes and if anyone I know is reading this, I'd rather you didn't tell me. Just read and don't judge.