Feeling Alone in the world.

Currently my parents are going through, well I don't quite know what to call it because it's not divorce but it's not far off. Basically we found out that my dad had been cheating on my mum in May, for how long we have no idea but to cut a long story short it was with his ex secretary and he refuses to stop seeing her. He no longer lives with us but comes over most nights to "visit" me and my sister. Meanwhile my mums on the edge of breaking down and I'm left to deal with it all, on my own. My sister hates to talk about it, so doesn't. I'm stuck listening to my mum, which can sometimes be a lot to handle to say the least. For instance just now she came in and started going on about having to share me and my sister with my dad later on in life and I just don't want to even start thinking about things like that. It's bad enough I no longer have a dad I can look up to but now I've got to start thinking about choosing between the two of them. How the heck can I do that? I just constantly feel on the verge of breaking down but I can't because I've got to be strong for my mum.

I'm left on my own with no one to talk to. It's a sad time in life when you realize you really don't have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriends in France and doesn't really understand anyway, my best friend seems more interested in filming his films in Texas and the only other person I feel comfortable talking to about it is in Boston for the summer and has his own life to deal with. What it boils down to is that I feel bad, loading all my troubles onto someone else. I make sure I'm always there for my friends whenever they need to talk about anything, I give out advice when I can and I genuinely see myself as some sort of teen agony aunt for my friends. The only problem with that is that when I'm the one who needs the advice, I've got no one to talk to. Just myself.

When I first found out my dad was cheating on my mum, I had to spend the whole day away from home. We found out on the Saturday afternoon and Sunday I left the house around 8 and didn't come home till 6. I spent the day in various places, took the train to Yokohama in the morning, spent the morning wondering around there crying. Then when I got bored of that, I took the train to Futako Tamagawa and sat by the river. The really sad thing is that I want to do more of this, I'm fed up with people. I just want to spend time on my own. Well what I really want is to spend time with one of the three people I mentioned above but seeing as all of them are currently overseas that's impossible.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.