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I know I shouldn't have done it. I know it would only cause hurt and it did. I know his facebook password and I've checked his messages.

I don't know what to think. He still loved her. He still loved her in June, what am I meant to think. June....we'd been going out for 4 months. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm in shock. how do I know he doesn't still love her. He did seem to think the sun shines out her arse, told me about how they'd had sex for like two weeks. Is that why he's with me, for the sex? But then why would he still be with me as we don't see each other for months at a time. Unless he's cheating... he could be. How on earth would I know.

I'm so fucking upset right now, I miss him but I'm confused. I think the next couple of months could be very interesting. I just have this horrible sinking feeling that it's going to be me heartbroken in a couple of months and he's going to go on having a ball in Nancy. Can this relationship really work or is it just heading for disaster?

That awkward moment when....

That awkward moment when your boyfriend would rather spend time with your sister than with you. Welcome to the current story of my life. How am I meant to feel? How am I meant to be having a good time when he's currently on the other sofa sat next to her when I'm sat here all on my own. I mean aren't there boundries, is it not supposed to be not ok when he's laid liberally across her lap. I feel used, I feel unloved and most of all these past few days I've just been so freaking miserable. Having him spend time with me over christmas was meant to be wonderful but instead I just feel like crying the whole time. I'm just so fucking fed up of both of them, she doesn't seem to give a crap about my feelings either, its just all about her all the time and I'm so fed up of it. If she's not pregnant then she's depressed and if she's not depressed she's still the favourite with dad. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so lost and so alone. I just want to spend some time with someone who wants to spend time with me, someone who doesn't keep asking for someone else.

Yeah merry fucking christmas.

Downhill

I currently have all manner of thoughts running through my head and writing them down is highly unlikely to get rid of them. Though it may bring some order, which is what I need right now.

I swear I'm having a 'teen crisis' at the moment. Everything just seems to be falling apart. I had a big argument with my boyfriend on friday in which he said and I quote 'if you are not happy it's not my fault' I think that's one of the harshest things a bf can say. Especially as in this case it was him causing the problem yes maybe I am being oversensitive and yes maybe my expectations are high but for him to say something like that. That hurt. It also lead to a full blown breakdown Friday night, I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Worst part is I feel like I could cry like that right now.

I guess it all began going really wrong last Saturday. We lost our volleyball tournament, no scratch that, we didn't even qualify and I was so upset. I don't know why. I've never felt so emotionally connected to a sport before. I mean we lost last year too and it didn't bother me in the slightest but this year I was on the verge of crying. Then I noticed cuts on my sister's arms, at first I didn't want to believe it but yes my sister's been self harming. Bloody hell, just something else going wrong. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think. My whole brain sort of went to mush. I felt like I'd failed as a sister, I don't think anyone really understands how much it scared the crap out of me, I was so worried. Part of me wonders if it's her boyfriend's(who I'm still pissed at) fault as he does have a dodgy past.

So that all went down, plus just school work piling and piling up and then this thing with my boyfriend. I don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday I realised how bad it was when I couldn't stand to be around anyone, I felt repulsed by my friends. I found myself wishing I was at home in bed rather than hanging out with them. Maybe I'm just over tired. I don't remember the last time I got a decent nights sleep.

Then today my ex talked to me. Now this is an ex I haven't told you about before. He's by far the hottest guy I've ever dated and he's also they only guy I've been out with that fits my "type". Tan, dark hair, good looking, muscular. We only dated for a couple of weeks and it was almost 3 years ago now. He was my first proper kiss, my first proper heartbreak as well. I know I was heartbroken after only a few weeks....pathetic. He has this weird affect on my though and I don't know how to deal with it.

All in all it's been a shit week, I've eaten a bunch of crap, failed my stats test and just generally felt like shit. It can only get better I hope.

Being in Love

People say that as a teenager you are too young to fall in love. This I disagree with, partly because I am a teenager and partly just due to the fact that love is ambiguous. You cannot describe love to someone, everyone has different meanings to the word and I believe people feel and show it in different ways.

Although I'm only 17, I believe I can say I've been in love twice. The first time was for the most part amazing, apart from the whole long distance thing, we had been great friends beforehand, the transition felt natural, we got on like a house on fire and it really did feel like we were meant for each other, that was until he broke up with me. He was also my first proper real boyfriend and so far has been the best one. Like I've said before, I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it, it's a natural thing to do.

I'm now in my second long term relationship, getting close to 7 months, granted we've only properly been together about a month, the rest has been long distance...again. Fucking earthquake.

Yet this one doesn't seem so perfect. Maybe my expectations are just raised too high but I see other couples and realise that they're not. I should feel wanted, like I'm the only girl he wants, like he enjoys talking to me. For the most part I don't feel this at all, like I've said before, I feel like I'm a chore to him that he doesn't really want me. Then there are those odd moments where he says something and it magically turns it all around, he says something really adorable which make me feel that he does really care. Then he goes and throws it all back in my face.

What do I do?

Defriended

I'm sat here on a Sunday night listening to my sister video chat with someone in her room. It's quite sad realizing that I have no one to do that with anymore. I always used to be talking to someone and now the only time anyone wants to talk to me is to ask something or seek advice. No one ever seems to want to talk to me just because they miss me, or because they wonder how I am. Even my online friends seem to have slowly shriveled up and died.

I have a feeling this may be something to do with why I'm so depressed, I operate as a people person, I need to talk to people on a regular basis in order to function properly and since summer I've had little to no communication with the people I care about. The only person I've talked to on Skype in the past couple of months is my ex bf. This is what my life has now become.

My other ex emailed me on Wednesday which was so lovely and I replied but haven't heard anything yet, 5 days, he clearly doesn't want to know anymore. I just see all these people, moving on with their lives, forgetting me and don't know how to cope. I can't be forgotten, I need to be wanted, I need to be loved and at the moment I don't feel any of this.

Maybe I should start making new friends, talking to new people but then that just seems so much effort. Clearly I'm just too lazy to take control of my life. I can't get a grip anymore. I'm on a self destructive path to nowhere all on my own.

Disappointment.

Auditions for the school musical were today. I auditioned with my sister which was probably a mistake. I went first and clearly was pretty rubbish as they made me sing it 3 times. I know I was probably pitchy and I'm going to use the excuse that it's a hard song to sing and I didn't properly learn it but at the end of the day, that is my fault.

To top it all off, my sister sang once and it was perfect.

I feel like I've let myself down, I'm so disappointed in myself and slightly jealous of my sister. I wish I was really good at something but I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I'm not. I'm not amazingly intelligent, I'm not amazing at sport and clearly I'm not that good at music either. I'm fed up of being mediocre at everything. Being really good at one thing would make life so much easier. It would help me decide what I want to do. It would give me a focus.

I don't know, this audition malarkey has really got me feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I'm a loser, I feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.

I just really need someone to talk to but once again there's no one. Everything always seems to boil down to how alone in this world I really am.

Replaced by a dog

Well it's happened. We've finally got a dog, a puppy to be precise. I'm on two mindsets with this. Of course it's very cute and very sweet and the puppy itself is adorable, however I realise this is not my dog. This is a dog for my sister and for my mum which means contact time I will get with it is minimal. It gets to sleep in my sisters room, she looks after him, what am I meant to do. Nothing. I guess I'm jealous. I want the dog to love me, I want an animal to love me. Honestly I wish the cat would be so inclined, but she's not. I want something that wants to sit on my lap and be cuddled, something to be there when I'm sad. Nope not going to happen.

I'm just clearly a very fucked up person.

Girl-friend

That's one thing I've longed for for a long time. A proper girl friend. Don't get my wrong I've got a couple of girls who I'm really close to and that I tell a lot to, but there's no one I feel like I could tell everything to. I had a guy who I thought I could but he seems to have washed his hands of me since he's been back.

It's just sad, realizing I don't feel comfortable telling anyone certain stuff. Like the fact no one except my bf knows what happened with us in Paris. Isn't that sad. Normally people have someone they would call straight away and tell, yet I haven't told a soul, not even my mum. She swears I can still talk to her about stuff, but I just don't feel I can. I feel so isolated from everyone and it's now I'm realizing how import it is to have someone just to talk to. Someone who'll be there no matter what, who won't judge or give their opinion. Just someone to listen, someone I can tell whatever's on my mind, spill my heart out but I don't. I'm by myself and that's a horrible situation to be in.

The perfect life?

I feel so lost right now, I don't even really know what I want to talk about. I just know that I have to write this stuff down somewhere, otherwise I don't know what I'll do. Once again I've found myself with no one to turn to. To be honest I don't think anyone really realises how bad I feel most of the time. I feel alone, upset, angry and worst of all powerless to do anything to change any of it. I'm just an emotional wreck right now.

I think part of the problem is, I've got nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. There's not one thing that I can think of and count down the number of days till it happens. I've always had something for the past 3 years. Whether it be my ex coming back, visiting my friend in America or seeing my boyfriend, I've always had something and now nothing. There's no fixed plans to do anything, not to see anyone, not to go anywhere. I feel like there's no purpose, it's just a chore to get through each day. Of course I still have good times, I'm not saying my life's crap all of the time, just most of it. There are some days, like today where I physically don't want to do anything, I comfort eat and watch endless amounts of shit TV. I don't do my homework, I don't check off things on my to do list, I just waste time.

Today I woke up with one thing to do, finish all my homework, especially chemistry. Yet here I am, 10pm and I didn't even vaguely attempt it.

I don't know, I just don't seem bothered to do anything anymore. I see all these people, on facebook, on youtube, everywhere who seem to be enjoying life. I used to be one of those people, I used to be upbeat and happy. Now not so much, I'm just jealous of everyone else, you see these people who seem to have the perfect family, perfect body, perfect boyfriend and part of me wonders why I can't have that. I mean it's not like I'm not a good person, I help my friends, I do my part, I try hard in school, I look after my family, so why does it all seem to be falling apart at the seams. It's just not fair and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it anymore.

I wish I lived on my own

I have wished this so frequently in the last couple of months that I'm starting to feel that the only way I can be happy is if I'm on my own, or at least away from my family. Don't get me wrong I love them, of course I do just they get so frustrating.

When I want to be left alone, I want just that, to be on my own. Granted this is the most lonerish thing in the world but some days I don't want to have to explain myself or deal with other peoples problems I just want to go about doing my own thing.

This sounds weird coming from a self proclaimed people person but dealing and interacting with people who aren't your family is a lot different then being with your family. I find holidays the most trying time, I just can't be with someone for that long and have them not get on my nerves. Maybe I truly am an antisocial git who doesn't deserve what I've got.

One reason I'm looking forward to uni so much is that I'll be away from my family and I know this is exactly the reason why my mum doesn't want me to.

I guess you don't realize what you've got until you don't have it and I know I will miss them once I live on my own but at the moment I can't think of anything better.

Wanted: 1 friend

Well it's finally happened, I officially feel like I have no one I can talk to.

The two people I thought I could always rely on, two people I've spent three days making presents for seem to not care for my existance.

Now I've talked about these two before, the one who lives in America, and the one who goes to a different school in Japan now. I thought we were really close, I mean one of them is meant to be my best friend for gods sake. The fact that he doesn't reply when I send him stuff, or takes forever to do so makes me feel not important. Infact we never seem to talk anymore and if we do it's because I take the effort to do so. He's always busy with his new friends. I just wish I still meant as much as I used to. It's hard watching people move on from you, watching people make new friends and having fun without you. I know this is incredibly selfish of me and I shouldn't deny people the opportunity to enjoy themselves. I know. I just can't help feeling jealous, here they both are having a good time while I'm stuck here feeling sorry for myself.

I just wish someone would want to talk to me, include me in their life. I just seem to be someone they go to when they need to moan about stuff and while I'm all up for being there for them when they need me. I just wish I wasn't just there for that, I wish I was someone they just enjoyed talking to, someone they wanted to talk to.

Even one of they guys I'm friends with from online seems to have lost interest and there was me thinking we were pretty close but like I said, he's got his own life, his friends. Why would he want me.

I think deep down inside I just have this yearning to be loved, I just want to be appreciated for who I am, I want someone who wants to be with me and at the moment I'm just struggling to come to terms with how lonely I am. The only person I've seen this whole summer from Japan is my friend who came to England with me. She's the only person I've seen since I've been back in Japan and I'm slowly coming to the realisation that the pool of friends I thought I had is slowly dwindling. This is a hard realisation to come to terms with.

Long Distance Relationships: Are they really worth it?

Being in a long distance relationship certainly has its ups and downs and you need to be in one with the right person. Someone who's as committed to the relationship as you are. I feel like I'm currently in one with someone who's not as committed. Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing person, good looking, smart, amazing in bed and I love spending time with him. We've been going out for almost 6 months now and of that 6 months we've spent maybe 3 weeks in the same country as each other.

This is the second time I've been in a long distance relationship, the first one lasted almost 2 years and was with one of my then best friends. He was really good at being in a long distance relationship I'd get two lengthly emails everyday, we'd talk on the phone most weekends and I got to see him every couple of months, the longest time we spend apart perhaps being 3 months. Now I know a rule of relationships is not to compare boyfriends with each other, but in my current situation it's hard not to.

The guy I'm going out with at the moment, he just doesn't, I don't really know how to put it into words but I feel like I'm more of a have to with him rather than a want to. Does that make sense? Like he feels he has to talk to me, has to tell me he loves me, rather than actually wanting to. I feel like I'm a burden to him, this sad little girl who constantly wants to talk to him. When we have conversations it's always me asking the questions, asking how his day was, what he's up to. If I don't make an effort then the conversation dies. Yet at the same time he promises me I'm the only girlfriend he wants and that he loves me. This coming from a guy who's had 14 (yes 14) other girlfriends and he's not even 18 yet. Though saying that I am the girlfriend who he's been in a relationship with the longest. Does that mean something? Is he a player? When I don't talk to him for a day, I miss him so much but I wake up to nothing, no email, no wallpost yet I email him everyday, telling him how my day was and saying how much I love and miss him. Am I being too clingy? I just thought this was what relationships were meant to be like, this is what my other long distance one was like. Should I stop comparing?

I want to be with him, but should it really hurt this much. Should I be crying myself to sleep every night? Should I tell him how I feel?

I have though. I've told him all this before and he's said he'd change. Did I see a change? No. He's starting university in September, in France. Next year I go to university in England. Is this a doomed relationship? Should I quit while I'm not so emotionally attached, but the fact that I'm crying while typing this means I already am. I love him so much but at the same time he breaks my heart. I don't deserve this, I'm a good girlfriend. I've got so much love to give, I just wish I had someone who appreciated it.

Feeling Alone in the world.

Currently my parents are going through, well I don't quite know what to call it because it's not divorce but it's not far off. Basically we found out that my dad had been cheating on my mum in May, for how long we have no idea but to cut a long story short it was with his ex secretary and he refuses to stop seeing her. He no longer lives with us but comes over most nights to "visit" me and my sister. Meanwhile my mums on the edge of breaking down and I'm left to deal with it all, on my own. My sister hates to talk about it, so doesn't. I'm stuck listening to my mum, which can sometimes be a lot to handle to say the least. For instance just now she came in and started going on about having to share me and my sister with my dad later on in life and I just don't want to even start thinking about things like that. It's bad enough I no longer have a dad I can look up to but now I've got to start thinking about choosing between the two of them. How the heck can I do that? I just constantly feel on the verge of breaking down but I can't because I've got to be strong for my mum.

I'm left on my own with no one to talk to. It's a sad time in life when you realize you really don't have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriends in France and doesn't really understand anyway, my best friend seems more interested in filming his films in Texas and the only other person I feel comfortable talking to about it is in Boston for the summer and has his own life to deal with. What it boils down to is that I feel bad, loading all my troubles onto someone else. I make sure I'm always there for my friends whenever they need to talk about anything, I give out advice when I can and I genuinely see myself as some sort of teen agony aunt for my friends. The only problem with that is that when I'm the one who needs the advice, I've got no one to talk to. Just myself.

When I first found out my dad was cheating on my mum, I had to spend the whole day away from home. We found out on the Saturday afternoon and Sunday I left the house around 8 and didn't come home till 6. I spent the day in various places, took the train to Yokohama in the morning, spent the morning wondering around there crying. Then when I got bored of that, I took the train to Futako Tamagawa and sat by the river. The really sad thing is that I want to do more of this, I'm fed up with people. I just want to spend time on my own. Well what I really want is to spend time with one of the three people I mentioned above but seeing as all of them are currently overseas that's impossible.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Here I go

Well here I am, starting a blog. Again.

I don't expect many people to find this an interesting blog to read but I need somewhere to get away from everything. I have a youtube, a twitter, a tumblr, you name it I have it but I still don't have a way or a place where I can express myself completely. Every site I'm on, I'm connected with people I know, people I see a lot and lets be honest I don't want them to know a lot of the things that go on in my life or my honest opinion about them. I need somewhere I can get things off my chest, somewhere I can't be judged because of who I am.

So that's why I'm starting this blog, not that I need to justify myself as I doubt this will be read, I just need to know that I've got somewhere to rant, somewhere I can say what's on my mind and not worry about offending someone by saying the wrong thing. Somewhere I can't lose my friends by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to start blogging, I guess I was worried no one would read it, then I realized that I didn't care what people thought, I don't need to be accepted. Ok that's not true, I do care. That's part of my problem, I always feel like I'm judged, I feel the need to be accepted, I want to fit in. I'm sure most people do just no one really wants to admit it. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I was happy with who I was, didn't feel the need to compare myself to other people but I do and I've realized that I do it more and more.

So here I am, letting everything out on this website, it's strange how the internet serves it's purposes and if anyone I know is reading this, I'd rather you didn't tell me. Just read and don't judge.